busy couple of days...

it's been pretty busy around here the past couple of days...i've been helping out a manager who's trying to sell a new project...it's been busy but interesting.
my cold is officially better (YAY!), and i worked out wednesday and thursday and did great, considering i took three days off. i'm toying with the idea of training for a half marathon. the only problem is that if i'm training i think running is going to turn into more of a chore than something i do for enjoyment. i truly do enjoy running, and i don't want to do anything to change that. on the other hand, i would love to feel that sense of accomplishment at finishing a half marathon. i'm going to think about it...
on a totally different subject, i am going to be starting next week on a new project in phoenix. not sure yet when i'll be leaving, but it will be back to traveling for work. gosh that carries so many challenges with it...finding a suitable place to workout, places I can eat where I know the calories count or can at least estimate closely, dinners at nice restaurants, etc. etc. i am not going to worry about it for now, though i couldn't sleep all last night thinking about it.
i weighed myself this morning at 140.7!! i was so happy. i weighed in at 143.2 monday morning and ate horribly monday and tuesday, then ate well wednesday and thursday. this weekend i want to plan lots of fun activities that don't involve eating and feel GREAT all weekend and not bloated and yucky. i did a pretty good job of that last weekend, and i did lose a little bit. today i had a HUGE breakfast and lunch at work (both catered), but i am going to go workout and then have sushi with my boyfriend for dinner, so my total calories will be fine. he is surprising me tonight...and i think it's with tickets to see Rent while its here in San Francisco for a week and a half. so excited!!! i even have the cutest new dress for it from bebe...in a size small!! :P tomorrow i have plans to go to the beach which is good b/c there are lots of opportunities for working out (and who wants to eat a ton when they're going to be in a bathing suit??) and then i am not going out to dinner (save some calories and money there), and then going OUT OUT OUT DANCING!!! with a bunch of my girl friends saturday night. yay! lots of calories there, and probably breakfast sunday morning...i will however be spending sunday outside definitely....maybe go rollerblading or something like that. i'm excited for the weekend :o)

Meltdown

Well, I think I had my first official meltdown of my adult life last night. Wasn't terrible, but I'm pretty sure it qualified as a meltdown nonetheless. I didn't workout (due to the cold), but had a giant cookie after lunch and then another small cookie later in the day. Then my boyfriend wanted to go to dinner at this pizza place...I didn't want to go, but I knew that would be my only chance to see him this week since we are both busy the rest of the week. I ordered a salad, but then decided spinach dip was in order, ate all of that, and then felt like ass. Mostly because I haven't worked out, am bored at work (not currently on a project = no important work to do), and am in general bored in life (not much going on these days). Then my boyfriend had told his house mates he would hang out with them last night, so after dinner we parted ways. I actually stopped at the liquor store on the way home and bought an Its It (for anyone who doesn't know, it's like an ice cream sandwich with cookies and dipped in chocolate. yeah.) It was like I was thinking to myself, Michelle you are melting down. This will all be over tomorrow. But for now, have the Its It. I could hear the voice in my head saying that food won't make you happy, but I ignored it. I felt like an alocholic buying a bottle of Jack. It was actually pretty comical. I slapped the Its It down and said, "That's it." It was like a diet/life simultaneous melt down. But I am over it now. Feeling much better, but still mad at my boyfriend since he never called last night to make sure I was ok. I guess he didn't take my threat of eating an Its It on my own seriously. Ok, today I'm back to eating right, going to some form of exercise as my cold is getting better, and going to dinner tonight with friends who I haven't seen in a long time. I'm going to have a glass of wine and a few samples of the dishes (its a small plates restaurant), but I'm going to stick to the dishes that I order and not sample any of the fried things that other people get. Oh, and it's our admin's birthday today and she brought in donuts. You know what I said to the donuts? Fuck you, donuts. Sorry for the language ;o)

Just a few more days...

....and then I'll let myself work out again. I haven't worked out since Saturday! I know, I know, big deal....but seriously, I HATE not working out. I feel like a lump on a log..or in a desk chair. It really makes me think about people who never get to the gym...how do they do it? If I didn't have a desk job, I could see it being ok. But jeez...I feel like I'm bouncing off the walls!! My cold is getting better...I think tomorrow I might be able to get back to working out. My nose is still a little stuffy, but it's definitely improving. It actually feels better when I'm up and moving around! I have been going for long walks (2 45-minute walks) every day to try to get some of this energy out of me. It's nice, even if it's not the serious workout I usually do. I haven't been losing, but I don't really expect to. I haven't been eating well, and I know it's because I'm not working out. It just makes me care so much less about what I put in my body when I don't feel like I'm fueling it to get through my workouts...I know I am still fueling it like for life, but still...today I had a good lunch after my walk and then spotted a plate of cookies in the company kitchen. One GIANT cookie and one small cookie later, I had eaten probably 500 or 600 calories worth of cookie. I want to beat myself up, to think about why I do this to myself, to feel fat, etc. But at least I actually ATE something (albeit not healthy) for all those calories. I'm not hungry in the least and it's already 4:30...generally when i begin craving dinner. Sigh. I just want to get through this week and back to being healthy and my normal self. I need to figure out a way to not eat food we just have lying around the office...luckily, it's not too often, but it's still often enough to do some damage. Tomorrow is our receptionist's birthday and I know she'll bring goodies...at least knowing that they are coming will help me mentally prepare for eating a REASONABLE sized portion. I was eating lunch the other day out at a restaurant and I saw the girl sit next to me eat 1/2 a hamburger and a couple of fries and leave the rest on the plate. I was SO jealous that she could just leave it all there...I will finish everything put in front of me. It's like a compulsion really. Sigh. I promise to post something logical and less stream-of-consciousness at some point this week...as you can see, not working out is rough on my mentally as well :P

nice weekend, but...

the weekend was nice. i got to see old friends, hang out with the boyfriend, weather was great....but there's always that "but." i weighed in this morning and i was at 143.2. That means over the last two weeks i've lost maybe 1/2 pound. Why last Tuesday did I weigh in at 140.1? Hard to say. I was feeling so accomplished, so happy...then I got sick, stopped exercising, and started gaining. This weekend I even did a pretty good job eating...I definitely didn't eat that well, but I didn't stuff myself and didn't overeat. So I'm not sure what happened...anyway, it is what it is, and this week I am going to lose 1 pound. Now that I have seen the promised land (the 130s) I want to get there. Not fleetingly get there, but get there actually. I am eating out 4 (yes, four) times this week, but I know already where I am going and can plan accordingly. Seriously, sometimes I eat worse when I'm NOT eating out because I'm not thinking about it as much. I brought my workout clothes today, but I don't think I'm going to workout...still have a stuffy nose and not feeling so hot. I am going to go for a walk at lunch and after work to at least get some movement in. This is such a boring post, sorry. Just needed to get the weekend things off my chest. I promise I will have much more intersting things to say later this week...(I didn't even get to the discussion I had with my boyfriend about getting engaged....yeah)

great song

i heard this lyric in a new country song they played on the radio today...
"this ain't nothin like what i had in mind for me,
but then again my future ain't what it used to be"

i love that. can't say that i'm quite there yet, but hopefully i'll be there soon. doing something crazy i never envisioned. yeah, that sounds good...

i just keep gaining this week :(

sigh. i weighed in on wednesday at my all time low weight in life (that i can remember anyway). since then, i've just been gaining. wednesday, i went out to lunch and had dessert. yesterday, i had about 5 mini hershey's bars that i definitely didn't need. today my work catered breakfast and i had a quiche. that was probably 1,000 calories easy. at least i only had half. do you ever feel like the world is working against your weight loss goals? i know its obviously not the world, but myself, that's keeping me from losing. this weekend i wanted to get lots of exercise in, but unfortunately i'm still feeling a bit under the weather. is it bad to look ahead to my weekend and not plan on eating anything? not that that will actually happen, but that's how i wish it would go. i wish i could just get through a day without food, just enjoying life and doing lots of stuff. wow, that's kind of a scary thought...scary that i just thought that i mean. alas, that's the way it is. this weekend all i want to do is go out for my birthday, get drunk, and lose weight. is that too much to ask?

no shit...

i found this on one of those ridiculous quiz sites. of course, i took the quiz so i guess they're not so ridiculous after all...

You Are A Total Shopaholic!

You have a keen eye for spotting trends before they are hotAnd sometimes your credit rating takes a beating as a resultConsider a job in retail to subsidize your gorgeous outfitsOver time, you could become a famous stylist or designer!

Are You a Shopaholic?

i HATE being sick

more accurately, i hate the feeling that i am going to get sick. you know the feeling -- sore throat, headached, feelings of general ickiness. i hate it because i can't workout which makes me depressed, which makes me eat bad food. last night i slothed about on the couch from 6 pm until 11 pm doing nothing but snack. i know i shouldn't be eating more since i am not excercising, but it's so damn depressing getting sick!! today i am out of the funk -- i got up and went for a 45 minute walk and i am going to try to half-ass an excercise class tonight just to get some movement in. i know i shouldn't workout when i'm sick (thanks mom), but i need to busy myself doing something other than eat! this weekend is my big birthday day party too...i was so ready to feel great and sexy and all worked out. well, i guess i might look all those things on saturday but i definitely won't be feeling them. sigh. in case you couldn't tell, i HATE being sick!

another beautiful day???

it looks like my project at work is still on hold, so i am (knock on wood) planning on going for a run today at lunch. last time was SO fantastic...i hope I can have a great run again!

so this weekend was my birthday...23 years old. YIKES. it feels weird...i feel like i am still young, definitely still getting my life together...but then i have friends who are getting married within the next year. that really freaks me out. my boyfriend and i spent saturday together..it was a wonderful day. he took me wine tasting in napa and it was great. i don't know what to do about him...we have been dating for three years, but there are things about each other that are just not compatible. mainly, i tend to be blunt and kind of mean sometimes and he is REALLY sensitive about everything. soo that doesn't really go over so well. he is SO understanding of everyone on the earth's situation...which is great, but sometimes i want him to just be like "wow, that girl did that to you? that is so mean!" but he would never say that...he would want me to understand her perspectice, etc. sounds great, right? well, he would make a great dad and i'm sure a great husband...i just don't know if i can stand it!! anyway, so i don't know what to do...do i break up with him? do i keep dating him, and eventually get married knowing that part of my personality totally clashes with his? i have no idea. he loves me and wants to stay with me...that leaves the ball in my court. great.

on a totally separate note, i realized over the weekend while eating and wine tasting in napa that i love good food. pure and simple. i just love it. since it was my birthday, i didn't think about how many calories were in anything, i really just ate what i wanted when i wanted. there were so many different foods...sweet, savory, alcoholic ;P i think that's why i became overweight in the first place, and why i struggle with losing weight (well, more like maintaining my loss) now. i love trying new foods, i love different flavors, i love to cook, i love to bake...really, need i go on? as opposed to repressing this love (as i think i have been doing for a long time since moving into my own place and acquiring my own kitchen), i am going to try as much as i can to put more time into actually cooking and creating my own food, and less on worrying about keeping myself full. does that make any sense? instead of just jamming some pretzels into my mouth when i get home from work and counting that as my 200 calorie snack, i could make some tabouleh and save the leftovers for lunch the next day. same amount of calories, but higher quality of food. hmm...we'll see how this goes.

I LOVE pictures, so I'd thought I'd post another favorite (as fun as the one of me dressed as a referee is). That's me in the middle with two of my best friends at the marina (a few blocks from my apartment) with the bridge in the background. Today is a San Francisco-loving day, so I thought I'd put up a nice one of the city. Well, north of the city really at that angle :o)

What a beautiful day :)

Now, I may be biased because it's my birthday tomorrow, but it is such a beautiful day today! It started out just awfully, all foggy and nasty, but it has cleared and the sun in shining!

All of my coworkers were going out to lunch today with one of our principles for a "Lunch with Leadership." Now I know these kind of things are supposedly good for my career, to meet people, make contacts, etc. But I just can't bring myself to go out to eat when I don't want to. I think that it's a comprimise I'm willing to make. So I snuck out before they left and went for a run through SF. I thought I was in the clear on the way back from the gym after showering until I hear "Michelle!" behind me. There was one of my co-workers coming from lunch! "So," he says, "you skipped lunch to go workout?" I thought fast and said, "Oh well I had already commited to lunching with a friend (that is what I told them when I ducked out early), but we decided to go workout instead." PHEW. Dang, I am surprised at how well I lie just on the spot too. It just comes out, always has. Anyway, crisis avoided and I am sitting here, freshly worked out and feeling delish. My parents are taking me out to one of the best steakhouses in the city for dinner tonight since it's my bday, so I am keeping the calories today to a bare minimum. So far I've had a bowl of fiber cereal w/ a peach and a balance bar. And I'm not even hungry! Now to just keep my mind off food for 3 more hours....I want to be STARVING when I walk into that restaurant so that I have enough calories to have my filet, salad, and 1/2 piece of cake and not be stuffed when I am done eating! I am determined.

Yesterday when I was running I thought about this other girl Stephanie's blog...she is a runner and said when she quit haflway through a run the other day she was disappointed because she didn't want to write about it on her blog the next day. LOL. Well, I am going to write that yesterday my workout did not go well, but I definitely made up for it today. Next time I am on the treadmill and feeling tired (like yesterday) I will think of my blog :o)

Ok, back to work and wishing I was back outside!

Welcome to my blog!

This is me:

I don't normally wear a referee top and walk around drinking. Well, unless it's Halloween. Welcome to my blog! I was inspired by a couple of girls on the 3FC website to start my own blog where I can type as much illogical, non thought-out crap I want and no one can stop me (muahahahaha <-- evil laugh) I am 23 years old (after Saturday, my birthday!) and I live in the sometimes wonderful, sometimes crappy San Francisco, California. I am dating this guy who sometimes I love and sometimes I can't stand. Kind of like San Francisco. We've been dating for almost three years, I'm not ready to get married, and I don't know what to do about our situation. More on that later. I graduated from Stanford University last year...it was the best time of my life. I think, for the most part, I appreaciated that fact and took advantage of all the wonderful things there. I now work as a consultant for a company that specializes in consumer products and retail. I want to be traveling, going to different clients, and helping them do product development and merchandise planning. I did that for a few months, but have mostly been working on due diligence projects for private equity groups. Don't worry if you don't know what that means. It's very challenging and I like it, except for when I have to work until 1 am, when I am asked to do things that are out of my league (or so I think until I do them), and when I can hear the partners talking about me in their offices. I hate that. A lot of times I feel like a fish out of water. More on that later. I have a great roomate who is super nice. We don't hang out that much except for at the apartment, but when we do it's pretty fun. I have good friends, but I don't see them a lot because they are in various locations across the country. That makes it really hard on a day to day basis, but whenever I find myself with some free time I try to get together with everyone I know here. I need to work on meeting more people, but with a boyfriend there isn't really that insentive to get out and meet people when I can just hang out with him. A huge huge huge part of my life is devoted to working out and eating right. I used to weigh (brace myself) 190 pounds (I'm 5'7") Over the past 4 years I have lost 45 pounds. I know I'm a size 6, but I still reach for the bottom of the pile when I try to find my size in jeans. I don't think I will ever see myself as I truly am. I used to be crazy happy with my body, yes, when I was a size 14. Then a boy that's a friend of mine told me that he wouldn't mind dating me because, "he likes his girls fat." Complimentary, I guess, but a wakeup call. Since then I have become so much more healthy, but my self-image has definitely decreased. Interesting that weight and self-image are inversely related for me. There are definitely days, however, when I wake up and I'm like, damn I'm hot. That makes me happy. People who have never been fat and lost weight will never, and I mean never understand. I can probably tell you the number of calories in every thing that you had to eat today. I keep a running tally in my head of how many calories I've eaten in one day. When I stop to think about it, it's scary. But necessary. I would rather live like I do then how I used to. I have memories of sitting at my desk freshman year of college feeling sick to my stomach after eating a pack of oreos and drinking a coke. Hm, that's probably 680 calories. See I told you, it's a habit. I still want to lose 16 more pounds, but officially my goal is to lose 6 more pounds. We'll see if I ever get there. My life is devoted to (other than work, eating right, and exercising (those three take up most of my time)) trying to find happiness in my life as a friend, girlfriend, daughter, and most importantly...as ME. Watchout, here comes my blog!