sitting pretty in the city

Tired of the Same Old Routine

2007-09-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

...The routine of binge eating, eating stuff I don't need to eat, etc.
When I read my past entries, it seems like nothing's changed. I still binge eat often without reason..at work in the afternoon, at home when I'm bored, after I get home from the bars...I am so tired of it. I weighed in this morning at 148.2...That's so much..I just feel uncomfortable at this weight, not like myself. The past three days have been especially bad (Thurs, Fri, Sat). Totally out of control, just eating anything not nailed down basically. I read a quote I posted a while ago about starting today to change the rest of my life. I am seriously so tired of living like this, always beating myself up for eating crap. So today is it - I have done this before (changed my life on a dime) when I first started losing weight. I also just found out that I'm not going to be traveling for work anymore starting in September (!), and I am so ready for it. Ready to get back to being home and not being surrounded by food all the time. It's going to be great :)

Feeling Ick

2007-06-07T06:33:00.000-07:00

I have the WORST headache this morning...I feel like I'm getting a cold :( Which is a total bummer, because I was so excited to be done with my marathon and to be able to do "normal" things (go to kickboxing, go to a bar on a friday night, etc.) Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it except get lots of rest, so I'll just try to do that. Sigh. This morning I weighed in at 146.5 - good! Surprising considering my "dinner" last night consisted of chips and guac, some popcorn at the movies, some trail mix, and 1/2 box of raisinets (= 1480 + 150+200+170 = 2000 calories yesterday). Isn't it funny..that seems so high, and that's probably my recommended calorie intake. Today is Thursday, which means it's a travel day. I hate travel days because my eating is totally unpredictable..who knows when I'll be able to eat dinner and what it will be . I am just going to try to get my six meals in, and by as healthy as I can. Funny, because I just had half a scone for breakfast. Oh well, at least I only had half!

Tuesday

2007-06-06T06:23:00.000-07:00

Menu from yesterday:
Cereal w/ Milk - 150 cals.
Coffee
Almonds and dried Apricots - 200 cals.
Turkey Sandwich on Wheat w/ Mustard, Tomatoes, Mayo + Fruit Salad - 600 cals
Power Bar - 200 cals.
Peanut M&Ms - 100 cals
Jason's Deli salad bar - 760 cals
Veggies (30 cals)
Parm Cheese (50 cals)
Crutons (30 cals)
Balsamic Dressing (150 cals)
2 mini muffins (200 cals)
1/4 cup pasta salad (150 cals)
Frozen Yogurt (150 cals)
= 1860 cals
Pretty good, but considering I didn't exercise, probably should have had less. Today I am going to try to come in more around 1500. My muscles are still sore from the marathon, so I don't think I'm going to workout again today..I went for a walk this morning and did some stretching to hopefully improve their flexibility. Menu so far today...
Power Bar - 200 cals

Latte and 1/2 Mini Scone - 320 cals

Trail Mix - 100 cals

Salmon Salad w/ Dressing - ~500 cals
Chocolate - 100 cals

Trail Mix - 100 cals
Chocolate - 160 cals

= 1480 so far

My First Marathon!

2007-06-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I did it! It was so hard...those last six miles was one of the toughest things I've done in my life. Now that it's over, I can't wait to get back to losing weight and being a little more well-rounded in my efforts...
More details on the marathon later, but I wanted to start doing something I was doing a while ago, which is post my menu every day. I know it's not very exciting, but it helps keep me honest :)

Today:
Grande Latte
Maple Scone
Apple
Balance Bar
Tortilla Chips (1.5 servings)
Wheat thins (about 1 serving)
String Cheese
Salami (1 serving)
Ice cream

Total = 1810

Not bad, considering I was still in marathon-splurge mode :) A little heavy on the carbs, but I was craving them!

Frustrated

2007-05-30T07:19:00.001-07:00

I wonder how many times I've used that as a title for my blog? I think that pretty much summarizes my life these days. I weighed in this morning at 148, up 2 pounds from the weekend. I'm not too sure why - maybe water weight since I ate out last night? I am really frustrated with myself..sometimes I feel like I have no control over my eating. I did a good job last night at dinner (for the most part)..had a couple of fried appetizers, but didn't stuff my face, and then had meat and a few potatoes for dinner. Then when I got home, I was CRAVING ice cream even though I wasn't hungry. Why can't I just come home and go to bed? Instead, I ended up having some frozen yogurt, even though I wasn't hungry, and a handful of chocolate chips. Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me.

Reunited and it feels so good...

2007-05-27T08:52:00.000-07:00

Reunited with two of my most favorite things - 3FC and my blog :) I have been living the past six months, working, traveling, really just putting myself out there and doing whatever comes along. It's been great...except for the fact that I've gained ten pounds and have to fit into a bridesmaids dress in three months!! When I got the dress a few weeks ago and zipped it up...well, that was a wake up call. And really, I know that I look no different (mostly) now than I did six pounds ago when I felt really great about myself. It's all in my head (and maybe a few pounds that are making that dress a little snug). It's not really all about losing weight..I just want to get back into my routine. This is so hard when I'm on the road for work, but I know I can make it happen. I just want to eat like a normal person, not binge eat, not eat chocolate to resolve boredom/sorrows, etc. Is that so much to ask?? I really weigh ten pounds more now than in Augst because I'm HAPPY...for the most part, anyway! No more crying, being depressed, all that kind of stuff. I like to think of them as happy pounds :) Happy pounds that I am ready to be done with before I get into a bathing suit, however! I am going to get in a much better habit of posting on here and on 3FC so that I can lose a few pounds in the next month (maybe 3 or 4?) before one wedding, and another couple before the next wedding. I think those are small goals that I can definitely attain :)

one month later...

2007-02-25T09:45:00.000-08:00

:) things have been going well the past week. i know, just a week, but i am finally getting back into my routine. pre-holidays i really had it down, and i'm just now getting back into the swing of things. wow, only four months later :/ I just kept gaining weight, not a lot, but a couple of pouds due to all of the junk I was eating on the road, and then eating too much at night on the weekends post-bars with my friends. my marathon training has been going really well, despite a nagging knee/hip thing that will hopefully be resolved by some orthotics that i'm hopefully going to get from the doctor next week. i still have 4 months until my first wedding (end of june), and i want to feel GOOD then..whether its at 140 or 130 i don't really care. honestly, i know it's just a number...but when i take care of myself, that number gets less and i feel good. i feel like i workout so much and i really want a body that shows that i do. unfortunately, that's going to require losing some of this fat that's sitting on top of my beautiful muscles! i just want this to be life - making good decisions, having a treat when i need it, and NOT obsessing over food!

one year later...

2007-01-20T12:10:00.000-08:00

a funny thing happened today...
i was looking back through my outlook calendar to find some due dates, and i found where i used to track my weight...i used to stick it in my calendar to track my progress. i looked at today's date 1 year ago - January 20, 2006 - and guess what..my weigh in on that day was EXACTLY THE SAME as today. THAT was a wakeup call. Not that when I think about myself a year ago I think I am any different size than I am now but...I don't know...I like to think that I have lost SOME weight or at least developed some better muscle tone or something (which I probably have). I guess it's more like my life has changed so much since then that I expected my weight to change too. This year I don't want the same thing to happen - I want to reach my goal in August and look great at the wedding I am in....
What is going to have to change between now and then? Accountability for what I eat, no binge eating, and making VERY smart choices when I am out to eat (because I eat the majority of my meals out!!) I can do it, I just need to remember that I need to actually change my behavior to see change!!

great quote

2007-01-08T14:39:00.000-08:00

"Today is a new day - I have a whole new way of thinking about me and the way I do things. No more starting and stopping, no bad me or good me, no beating myself up, creating false fantasies, or crying over what has happened (or not happened) in the past.
I am now ready to act purposefully - taking full responsibility for what occurs knowing too, that I can change it if I choose to. I am ready, and I am willing, and even when I do not feel ready or willing, I will continue to move forward on my plan - not “judging” my results along the way. I will stay on the road, focused, committed, and certain that my continuing efforts are my reward, and success is in taking action, not in expecting specific results. I am mentally and physically focused, committed and taking action to succeed. Success is taking action and staying with it."

Isn't that a novel idea? To not beat yourself up, cry over what happened, act purposefully, take full responsibility....
I got back from Austin last night. It was a great weekend..we ate good food, got two great long runs in, went out Friday and Saturday night...quite perfect. To top it off, I ate like someone WITHOUT an eating problem. I went to a breakfast place and got pancakes and eggs and had enough so that I wasn't hungry anymore, but wasn't stuffed. What a novel idea!! Is this how the rest of the world eats?? I was high on all of this - until my Monday morning weigh in. 145.5. Up two, TWO, and a half pounds from Friday. I was pissed, to say the least. Here all my discipline and good eating habits pay me off like that?!? I'm still pissed..but I'm trying to think positively. What's more important to shedding these last 15 pounds - the fact that I'm up two pounds or that I may have finally got a handle on eating like a regular human being? I'll take the regular human being, thanks.

feeling good...

2007-01-04T14:44:00.000-08:00

b/c i've been treating my body good :)
resolutions update...
-going to austin this weekend even though it means being gone from san francisco for two weeks to visit a friend
-figured out i'll run out of money in march..eep! but its a fixable problem..charge less!
-have been successfully binge free for two and a half days! (as of 1/2)
-lost a pound!
-got a raise! and a bonus!! more importantly...my boss gave me a great review!

so far, this year's off to a great start :)

more resolutions...

2006-12-28T18:06:00.000-08:00

i was in such a huff this morning, i forgot to finish my resolutions!! these are my fun resolutions :)
ok so recap + new ones
- more fun things!
- figure out money situation!
- STOP BINGE EATING!
- train for either a half marathon or triathlon (to be decided later...i need to figure out whether or not i can afford the triathlon!)
- go to church more when i am by myself and not with my family
- get up a little extra early during the week so i look cute at work :)

ok that's all for now! i like putting these in my blog so i can remember them..and keep me on top of things!

f*ck you, blogger

2006-12-28T08:57:00.000-08:00

well, i just typed this long, fabulous post about being glad the holidays are over because i've realized how lame my life is when i am just at home and not working...but f*cking blogger lost the post. i guess it wasn't meant to be. i didn't really want to publish all those negative thoughts anyway..that's just not me. hey, here's new years resolution number one - get back to being the old, positive michelle! wow, i just made that transition while my server was disconnected :P i don't normally make resolutions, but i think this year i will...if nothing else, to give me some new motivation!
new years 2007 resolutions...
- find things to do on the weekends (Dance class, new workout classes, etc) that don't involve eating or drinking
- get my finances in order so i know what i have (and don't have) to spend .... this one is already in progress as i just put all my info into quicken yesterday!!
- STOP BINGE EATING. figure out why i am doing it, and stop. less importantly than this (but still important)...lose 15 (well, now 17 since i gained two pounds this week) pounds by the wedding i'm in in june. if i'm not going to be dating anyone, but have to be in these weddings, i might as well look HOT.

xoxo michelle

just a normal day..

2006-12-22T07:34:00.000-08:00

but it feels so good!
my day yesterday - woke up, went to work for a while, had some coffee and a power bar (and half a granola bar) went to the gym, went home and had a snack, ran some errands, came home, made dinner, watched a movie while i wrapped chrstimas presents, had some ice cream, went to bed. it was awesome. it didn't include binge eating, guilt, nausea, or tears. why can't every day be like that? oh wait, they can. or at least a majority of my days! i'm going to work on that...

my name is michelle, and i'm a binge eater

2006-12-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

i thought i had my problem taken care of...so many years later. but my binge eating had reared its ugle head again, and i have no one but myself to blame. the past couple of months i have stuffed anything and everything in my mouth. it started with the "drunchies" (see below posts), but has translated into every aspect of my life. i crave to be back on my regular schedule, to eat healthy and in moderation, to not spend every minute of every day thinking about food. how does one accomplish this??? i know what has triggered it..the season brings lots of chocolate and cookies, the weather brings lots of sitting inside, the work i'm doing means traveling and eating out a lot...
but none of these things seemed to get me before. i could pass up candy at work like it ain't not thang. but now, i find myself eating five lindor truffles and feeling sick to my stomach a la michelle 2001. my most vivid memory of freshman year is eating a pack of oreos and drinking a coke while studying, then taking a nap because my stomach hurt so bad. gross, right? but somehow, i got back there. this is what i want -- to eat 5-6 sensible meals every day, to enjoy those meals, to let those meal fuel me but not stuff me, and to not think about food during any time but that time. not in the afternoon when work slows down, not when i walk by the cafeteria, not when i'm watching tv. i long for food to stop haunting me and just become food, the way it is to everyone else. the way it was to me before i started dieting....but before i was obese. sigh, that feels good to get out. i have to say, the blog is the best way to purge :P

new years resolutions

2006-11-22T16:43:00.000-08:00

already?! oh yes. i'm not a big fan of resolutions at new years. i am, however, a fan of resolutions in general. i have made my share of failed resolutions -- i can't even begin to name them. i did succeed in one pretty big one though, which is losing weight. 50 pounds later, i would say it is accomplished. with that under my belt, i feel like i am can set resolutions even if i don't make good on all of then. i want to think of today as my new years day, my first day to change the way i have been eating and acting for the past three months. why today? because today is as good as any, because i am here with my family, and i am happy. so i am going to begin ruminating on my new years resolutions now because i can start working on them before new years day!!

Resolution #1 Break the sugar habit!
I have gotten in the worst sugar habit ever since I left my parents house. With my parents, dessert it a treat. We always have deserts in our house, but they are eaten sporadically whenever anyone feels like it. I have gotten accustomed (through college and now buying food for myself) of having dessert after every meal, whether I have room for it or not. It really has become the worst habit. I'll have a yummy, healthy lunch, and then feel like I need a piece of chocolate or a diet coke afterwards. i just want to get out of that habit! it will be hard to do, but that is resolution numero uno.

more resolutions to come...

feeling a little better...

2006-11-21T11:29:00.000-08:00

my last post was so depressing...yikes. i'm feeling a little better now...my roomate is back from vacation so we've been hanging out a lot the past few days. i still haven't been able to get control of my eating, though. something someone posted on 3FC today made me start thinking that i might have a problem..
i know i've been really down the past couple of months, just post-breakup stuff. but when i think about how i've been eating, it's really bizarre. like, i'll go a week basically eating only enough to get by (i do this a lot on the weekends too). i avoid meals when at all possible...if i reaaally want to see a friend and they ask me to dinner i'll go, but i don't go without worrying about gaining weight. then other times, i totally binge. generally i dont' binge on these types of scraping by days unless i get home from drinking and the drunchies ensue. other times though (like the past two weeks) i just shove anything into my mouth. what is going on with me? i just want to get back on my regular schedule. i've never been a perfectionist with eating by far, but never this bizarre. could i be depressed? i sure feel like it sometimes. then sometimes i feel ok...i don't know. scary thought..

sitting pretty, but not happy

2006-11-19T11:07:00.000-08:00

when did this become my life?
i have become so depressed in the past month. seasonal affective disorder? maybe...though it's generally the same state of mild coldness a and fog in san francisco. when i broke up with my boyfriend three months ago, i went through a period of about a month and a half of not eating much, going out a lot, dating, just in general living that single life i hadn't had. somewhere around 6 weeks ago, it got old. and now i've resigned myself to my couch and re-runs of the real world. ouch, i know. i have lost that motivation i had to just call up people i hadn't seen in ages and say "hey, let's go out!" i have a couple good friends in the city, but they have lives different from mine...they all have serious significant others and aren't really into that single, party, bar scene. so i hang out with them when i can....but i still find myself bored on the occasional weekend night and generally all day on saturday and sunday. what do people without boyfriends, families, or weekend obligations do?? if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. there are only so many days you can workout, shop, and shop some more. besides, all this shopping is definitely not good for my checkbook. sigh. at least this week i'm not flying to dallas....so i get to be in san francisco tonight (yay, i guess). i need to get out of this funk asap.

ps i still haven't cured the "drunchies" (loving that word, by the way). i think the best cure will be to just keep anything prime for a drunchie moment (tortilla chips, anything frozen), out of my kitchen! definitely better for me on the whole anyway.

drunk eating

2006-11-11T10:14:00.000-08:00

i couldn't think of a more creative title...
i have a big problem. i have been so good eating, well, at least better than i have been in the past. i have gotten SO much better at eating out at restaurants and not finishing everything. last night i went to this burger place and got a hamburger for dinner..and i only ate half of my burger and fries and let my date eat the rest. BUT now my big problem has been eating when i am not hungry when i get back from the bars at two or three in the morning. a lot of times my roomate is asleep or not here, so i'll just raid the kitchen. this didnt used to be as big of a problem because i didnt go out that much...now that i am not dating anyone, i have been going out a lot more and this has really become a problem. i dont know what to do about it...all i know is that last night i had a piece of pizza, two cupcakes, and two cookies between two and three am. ya, definitely not healthy :/

end of week 2 traveling...

2006-11-10T16:55:00.000-08:00

i have been SO busy!!
i have been busy at work, and traveling to and from the client site..so busy that i haven't had time to post!! i have been doing pretty well while i have been on the road. i haven't really lost any weight, but i have maintained and lost a little since i went to that stupid work conference about three weeks ago and binged for about 5 days....
i am trying really hard to be more concious when i eat out, and honoring when i feel full. it is so hard since i eat out every day, but it's getting better. luckily we have a cafeteria at my client site, so i've been having salad most days. on thursday i decided to have a sandwich, chips, and a cookie (what would have formerly be a standard meal for me) and i felt SO full! i felt so bad that i definitely have no desire for that lunch again. well, at least not for a long while...

when you call my name...

2006-10-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

That song is on the radio right now :)
Last night I went to a show with my ex-boyfriend. It's been about two and a half months. All night I went back and forth between wanting to go out and have some single fun and wanting to crawl into his lap. Ah, heart break. I wonder what he was thinking. After I left, I went to a friends party and this guy I am dating called...he didn't want to take a cab all the way to the party. Obviously not a keeper, but at least someone to have fun with, I guess. I was kind of in a funk last night, but I'm trying my best to get out of it today. I'm going to go for a run across the Golden Gate bridge (about nine miles) since it is absolutely gorgeous today. Tonight I am having some people over for Halloween, but unfortunately most people couldn't make it. I am wondering what will happen if I have like three people at my part...oh well, I will worry about that later. I will have fun regardless. I weighed in this morning at 141.1...I am slooowly getting back down to my pre-conference weight. This really is a lesson to learn in eating well. I must have gained at least two pounds, since it is still taking me all this time to get off. On Monday I start traveling again for work...geez, that brings so many trials and tribulations with food. EVERY meal I eat out...I will keep my blog update to keep myself accountable! I am ready to get to my goal weight (138) and then maybe drop a little after that...I was thinking maybe 129? That would put me solidly in the lower range of a healthy BMI. That would be exciting :)

no improvement....

2006-10-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

bleh. i have been sitting and eating pretty much straight through the past two days. i could blame work, but it's just as much my fault for not choosing healthy things to eat. i have been eating too much candy, cookies, etc. I weighed in this morning at 142.6, which means that I still haven't lost any weight this week and (despite thinking that I couldn't possibly)I guess I really did gain three pounds at that conference last week. they aren't going away!! oh well...i just need to get back to eating right, and i made a good start today. i worked out this morning even though i was really tired, didn't have a bagel at work (friday we always have bagels), and didn't go out to lunch. i am determined to weigh in this weekend, well on monday, at a reasonable weight. i have fun non-eating activities planned for the weekend, so i think i should be good. the only problem i can forsee is that i might be working, which always leads to eating...i will figure out something though. ok back to a good rest of this friday!!

work stress

2006-10-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

i weighed in this morning at 142.5...i originally started this blog not intending to make it a weight loss blog, but since i've gotten so off track, i think i need to get back in the habit of paying attention to how much i weigh. i ate well yesterday for the most part, though i did have a latte and a cookie around five. (i was starving, but could have picked a better choice). really, i shouldn't have had the two halloween chocolates later in the day, and frozen yogurt after dinner. for me, i have to allow myself treats when i'm stressed out at work. if i'm starving and its five and i know i have five or ten more hours of work ahead of me, you can bet i'm at starbucks grabbing a latte and a cookie. is that bad? yes. but really that probably won't change too much. and it only happens every once in a while, so i'm not too worried. what is worse is the mindless eating -- the chocolates, the frozen yogurt, the stuff where i'm NOT hungry and don't really need to eat it! so the cookie i had yesterday was 400 calories (i looked online). i know, it's a ton. but then i had two chocolates (130 calories about) and a frozen yogrut (170 calores). there's an additional 300 calories i didn't need!! i need to eat when i am hungry, and not eat sweets when i'm not. ok that is my goal for the rest of this week...allow myself treats if i'm actually hungry, but cut out those extra sweets! oh my goodness, there is so much work to do!! better get back to it!!

today..

2006-10-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

feeling good. woke up and worked out...i can feel it in my legs and my shoulders :) a great feeling! so workout - check. now i'm at work and have a meeting at two that may spell death for the rest of this week (and the next week for that matter). positive attitude about work -- check. performing my best -- check. trying not to get a headache before 8 pm....will do my best!!

back...again

2006-10-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

yeah, so i guess i wasn't really back after the last time.
i have been just treating my body horribly for the past two months. after i broke up with my boyfriend, i have just been eating and drinking so much...sometimes socially, sometimes just bingeing. i don't know why i've been doing it...it's not like i am devastated over the break up or anything. it's just like i am not as focused on working out and eating right because i have more stuff on my brain like going out and meeting people, etc. anyway, i'm ready to get back to treating myself the way i used to -- not nececssarily dieting, just keeping track of what i eat and paying attention to making my body feel great. i want to feel fabulous and i know what that takes. i feel best when i've gone running, when i am dressed well w/ my make up and hair done, with my cup of coffee...just taking the extra effort to make time for myself to workout and make myself look good. what stands in my way of feeling this great? sometimes i feel like i have no control over my environment...it's that f-ing candy jar at work, the bagels and cookies, the sugar i use to relieve tension. i want to find solutions to stress and a bad environment that don't involve eating. any suggestions? i need to think on it some more, but i know raiding the office candy jar isn't going to be the right solution...

guess who's back...

2006-09-06T16:08:00.000-07:00

yes, me. i wasn't even taking a hiatus from dieting/exercising, i was just so busy at work! seriously crazy...worked two weekends in a row all day..it was tough. my weight is still hurting from the 11 hour days as I'm up to 141, but I am ready to lose the rest of this weight and get to goal! It's only three pounds away! I am going to be traveling a lot in the next three weeks, so it'll be a challenge to lose...I am going to Pittsburg this weekend to visit my brother, then working for a week back east, and then going to vegas in a few weekends. It's a lot of eating out, but I know I can maintain (if not lose) over all that time. Even though I haven't really been gaining weight, I just haven't been treating my body well...most of my over eating has come after a lot of drinking...not that i'm going to give up drinking :P anyway, i just need to get myself back in check (you know, check myself before i wreck myself lol) and on the good-eating train. here i go!! :P

MUCH better

2006-08-17T16:22:00.001-07:00

Thanks to all the girls out there that were concerned for me <> I am feeling much better. I even got an email from him and it didn't trigger tears. Yay! I had a date yesterday...all my friends were like, wow that's a quick turn around time. But you know, my feeling is that the longer I wait around feeling sorry for myself and moping, the worse I will feel. So why not get back to the routine, go on some days, boost my self confidence, and have some fun? Let me tell you, so far it's been great. And it's even been great for my diet...today I weighed in at 137.7 --> GOAL WEIGHT!!!! I couldn't believe it, I was pretty stoked. Though I'm not going to officialy say that I've reaced goal until I weigh in at my normal day/time and see that 138. I think I might try to lose a little more (maybe 9 pounds? 127?) but only after I maintain this for a while. I kinda want to fit in these size 4 pants in my closet ;)

MUCH better

2006-08-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

skinny can't buy you happiness

2006-08-14T13:37:00.000-07:00

they always say money can't buy you love, but can skinniness?
i broke up with my boyfriend of three years yesterday. it was kind of mutual...more me telling him that i need more from our relationship, and him saying that he can't provide it. is that mutual? i don't really know. i don't know what i am going to do without him. i mean, after three years...he was basically my life. i don't feel like doing anything, i don't want to workout, i don't want to eat, i don't want to move. i just want to sit here like a lump in front of my computer at work and just go through the movements, not thinking, not attempting to do anything that will let my mind wander. if i stop, i think about the last time we slept in the same bed, how i can't believe that's the last time i'll ever be in his arms, the last time i kissed him good bye. i weighed in this morning at 139.0, one pound from goal. and i don't give a flying fuck.

i ache...

2006-08-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

...all over in many way. My legs ached from running yesterday, lifting weights with my legs (which I hadn't done in about a month), and then running this morning. It's a good ache though, that ache that I am pushing my body. In a less good way, my heart aches. I think I am going to break up with my boyfriend of three years. It's just not working any more. More than anything (anything being anger or sadness), I don't know what I am going to do with myself. Pour myself into work? Working out? Trying to meet people? He's my best friend. We've been dating for three years, and were off/on dating a year before that. Sigh. Anyway, back to work..at least physically....

that last entry was all over the place...

2006-08-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

this entry will be much shorter, don't worry. went out last night with old co-workers...gosh, it made me miss that job. it was almost perfect -- great work, great people...but wasn't intellectually stimulating. it was a job in event planning...now i work as a business strategy consultant. my old coworkers didn't even know i could program, let alone use excel like it's my bitch. it's so hard to find something intellectually stimulating and still has all the other great things to. my current job is pretty close, but not perfect (on the fun coworker end). two more weeks until i leave for my new project...yikes. keeping up my diet on the road is going to be interesting to say the least. that means for now i need to do GREAT to lose as much weight as i can before take off. speaking of which, i'm going to the salad bar for lunch :P

it just takes a little brain power...

2006-08-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

that's what i'm finding these days. that sometimes when i'm trying to eat right, i need to get my head in the game (as much as the rest of my body usually is). this weekend, whoo boy. it was fun. it was indulgent. and i lost weight! how?? well, let me tell you. notice the head coming into play...

Friday -- Ate well, but had a muffin at work that was certainly a lot of calories. No worries, counted it as my lunch and went for a power walk instead of getting something to eat at noon. Dinner, went out with the company, ate until I was full, it was good.

Saturday -- Had a power bar and went to the gym. Has an AWESOME run. Wasn't hungry until 3 -- had a light lunch. Went to a dinner for a wedding anniversary -- ate one of a couple of yummy appetizers and had a couple drinks. Didn't eat my salad or salmon for dinner, since wasn't hungry. Did have a piece of cake and some fondue (ok, drunk head).

Sunday -- Had a piece of reduced fat coffee cake at 11:00 b/c I was hungry. Went to the beach any played volleyball all day. Got home at 5:45 and was hungry. Had a salad, couple hours later I was hungry again and the boyfriend and I went to ice cream.

Monday -- Lost a pound!

It was great, just eating when I was hungry, not eating too much, just using my damn head! Why can't I do that always????

since you've been gone...

2006-08-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

no, i didn't break up with my boyfriend. kelly clarkson's coming to town, and i think i might go. my boyfriend and i are closet fans, so we're thinking of dressing in costume and showing up at the concert...i think i'll go as a slutty 16 year-old. i'll fit right in. the past week has been busy with work, i've been working on something i like, so that's good. i haven't been sleeping that well though...thinking a lot about the new job in phoenix and how that's going to affect my life. that's all i'm going to write about it, mainly because i want to be able to sleep tonight. i'm looking forward to this weekend..fun things with friends are planned, but it's the last weekend one of my best friends will be here before she moves to LA for med school :( i don't know what i'm going to do without her. before i started blogging, i made some july goals, and i wanted to update my status on those and post august goals. y'know, to keep myself accountable and all.

July Goals:
-- See 139 (pounds that is) (Check! Saw it, if only briefly)
-- Don't drink so many lattes (Check! Had two in the month of July)
-- Make it through one month without bingeing (Definitely no check)
-- Focus on working out less b/c I have eaten bad foods, more b/c I like it (Kind of)
-- Find more activities to get me out in the city (Definitely didn't do a good job of this during the week, ok on the weekends)
-- Cook more on the weekend so I have food during the week (Yeah, no check)

My August Goals!!!!
-- WEIGH IN at 141 lbs. (3 down from last week)
-- Make it through EACH DAY, one day at a time, without bingeing
-- Get out of my apartment and enjoy that city!!

Wish me luck!!!

busy couple of days...

2006-07-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

it's been pretty busy around here the past couple of days...i've been helping out a manager who's trying to sell a new project...it's been busy but interesting.
my cold is officially better (YAY!), and i worked out wednesday and thursday and did great, considering i took three days off. i'm toying with the idea of training for a half marathon. the only problem is that if i'm training i think running is going to turn into more of a chore than something i do for enjoyment. i truly do enjoy running, and i don't want to do anything to change that. on the other hand, i would love to feel that sense of accomplishment at finishing a half marathon. i'm going to think about it...
on a totally different subject, i am going to be starting next week on a new project in phoenix. not sure yet when i'll be leaving, but it will be back to traveling for work. gosh that carries so many challenges with it...finding a suitable place to workout, places I can eat where I know the calories count or can at least estimate closely, dinners at nice restaurants, etc. etc. i am not going to worry about it for now, though i couldn't sleep all last night thinking about it.
i weighed myself this morning at 140.7!! i was so happy. i weighed in at 143.2 monday morning and ate horribly monday and tuesday, then ate well wednesday and thursday. this weekend i want to plan lots of fun activities that don't involve eating and feel GREAT all weekend and not bloated and yucky. i did a pretty good job of that last weekend, and i did lose a little bit. today i had a HUGE breakfast and lunch at work (both catered), but i am going to go workout and then have sushi with my boyfriend for dinner, so my total calories will be fine. he is surprising me tonight...and i think it's with tickets to see Rent while its here in San Francisco for a week and a half. so excited!!! i even have the cutest new dress for it from bebe...in a size small!! :P tomorrow i have plans to go to the beach which is good b/c there are lots of opportunities for working out (and who wants to eat a ton when they're going to be in a bathing suit??) and then i am not going out to dinner (save some calories and money there), and then going OUT OUT OUT DANCING!!! with a bunch of my girl friends saturday night. yay! lots of calories there, and probably breakfast sunday morning...i will however be spending sunday outside definitely....maybe go rollerblading or something like that. i'm excited for the weekend :o)

Meltdown

2006-07-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I had my first official meltdown of my adult life last night. Wasn't terrible, but I'm pretty sure it qualified as a meltdown nonetheless. I didn't workout (due to the cold), but had a giant cookie after lunch and then another small cookie later in the day. Then my boyfriend wanted to go to dinner at this pizza place...I didn't want to go, but I knew that would be my only chance to see him this week since we are both busy the rest of the week. I ordered a salad, but then decided spinach dip was in order, ate all of that, and then felt like ass. Mostly because I haven't worked out, am bored at work (not currently on a project = no important work to do), and am in general bored in life (not much going on these days). Then my boyfriend had told his house mates he would hang out with them last night, so after dinner we parted ways. I actually stopped at the liquor store on the way home and bought an Its It (for anyone who doesn't know, it's like an ice cream sandwich with cookies and dipped in chocolate. yeah.) It was like I was thinking to myself, Michelle you are melting down. This will all be over tomorrow. But for now, have the Its It. I could hear the voice in my head saying that food won't make you happy, but I ignored it. I felt like an alocholic buying a bottle of Jack. It was actually pretty comical. I slapped the Its It down and said, "That's it." It was like a diet/life simultaneous melt down. But I am over it now. Feeling much better, but still mad at my boyfriend since he never called last night to make sure I was ok. I guess he didn't take my threat of eating an Its It on my own seriously. Ok, today I'm back to eating right, going to some form of exercise as my cold is getting better, and going to dinner tonight with friends who I haven't seen in a long time. I'm going to have a glass of wine and a few samples of the dishes (its a small plates restaurant), but I'm going to stick to the dishes that I order and not sample any of the fried things that other people get. Oh, and it's our admin's birthday today and she brought in donuts. You know what I said to the donuts? Fuck you, donuts. Sorry for the language ;o)

Just a few more days...

2006-07-25T16:31:00.000-07:00

....and then I'll let myself work out again. I haven't worked out since Saturday! I know, I know, big deal....but seriously, I HATE not working out. I feel like a lump on a log..or in a desk chair. It really makes me think about people who never get to the gym...how do they do it? If I didn't have a desk job, I could see it being ok. But jeez...I feel like I'm bouncing off the walls!! My cold is getting better...I think tomorrow I might be able to get back to working out. My nose is still a little stuffy, but it's definitely improving. It actually feels better when I'm up and moving around! I have been going for long walks (2 45-minute walks) every day to try to get some of this energy out of me. It's nice, even if it's not the serious workout I usually do. I haven't been losing, but I don't really expect to. I haven't been eating well, and I know it's because I'm not working out. It just makes me care so much less about what I put in my body when I don't feel like I'm fueling it to get through my workouts...I know I am still fueling it like for life, but still...today I had a good lunch after my walk and then spotted a plate of cookies in the company kitchen. One GIANT cookie and one small cookie later, I had eaten probably 500 or 600 calories worth of cookie. I want to beat myself up, to think about why I do this to myself, to feel fat, etc. But at least I actually ATE something (albeit not healthy) for all those calories. I'm not hungry in the least and it's already 4:30...generally when i begin craving dinner. Sigh. I just want to get through this week and back to being healthy and my normal self. I need to figure out a way to not eat food we just have lying around the office...luckily, it's not too often, but it's still often enough to do some damage. Tomorrow is our receptionist's birthday and I know she'll bring goodies...at least knowing that they are coming will help me mentally prepare for eating a REASONABLE sized portion. I was eating lunch the other day out at a restaurant and I saw the girl sit next to me eat 1/2 a hamburger and a couple of fries and leave the rest on the plate. I was SO jealous that she could just leave it all there...I will finish everything put in front of me. It's like a compulsion really. Sigh. I promise to post something logical and less stream-of-consciousness at some point this week...as you can see, not working out is rough on my mentally as well :P

nice weekend, but...

2006-07-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

the weekend was nice. i got to see old friends, hang out with the boyfriend, weather was great....but there's always that "but." i weighed in this morning and i was at 143.2. That means over the last two weeks i've lost maybe 1/2 pound. Why last Tuesday did I weigh in at 140.1? Hard to say. I was feeling so accomplished, so happy...then I got sick, stopped exercising, and started gaining. This weekend I even did a pretty good job eating...I definitely didn't eat that well, but I didn't stuff myself and didn't overeat. So I'm not sure what happened...anyway, it is what it is, and this week I am going to lose 1 pound. Now that I have seen the promised land (the 130s) I want to get there. Not fleetingly get there, but get there actually. I am eating out 4 (yes, four) times this week, but I know already where I am going and can plan accordingly. Seriously, sometimes I eat worse when I'm NOT eating out because I'm not thinking about it as much. I brought my workout clothes today, but I don't think I'm going to workout...still have a stuffy nose and not feeling so hot. I am going to go for a walk at lunch and after work to at least get some movement in. This is such a boring post, sorry. Just needed to get the weekend things off my chest. I promise I will have much more intersting things to say later this week...(I didn't even get to the discussion I had with my boyfriend about getting engaged....yeah)

great song

2006-07-21T14:24:00.000-07:00

i heard this lyric in a new country song they played on the radio today...
"this ain't nothin like what i had in mind for me,
but then again my future ain't what it used to be"

i love that. can't say that i'm quite there yet, but hopefully i'll be there soon. doing something crazy i never envisioned. yeah, that sounds good...

i just keep gaining this week :(

2006-07-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

sigh. i weighed in on wednesday at my all time low weight in life (that i can remember anyway). since then, i've just been gaining. wednesday, i went out to lunch and had dessert. yesterday, i had about 5 mini hershey's bars that i definitely didn't need. today my work catered breakfast and i had a quiche. that was probably 1,000 calories easy. at least i only had half. do you ever feel like the world is working against your weight loss goals? i know its obviously not the world, but myself, that's keeping me from losing. this weekend i wanted to get lots of exercise in, but unfortunately i'm still feeling a bit under the weather. is it bad to look ahead to my weekend and not plan on eating anything? not that that will actually happen, but that's how i wish it would go. i wish i could just get through a day without food, just enjoying life and doing lots of stuff. wow, that's kind of a scary thought...scary that i just thought that i mean. alas, that's the way it is. this weekend all i want to do is go out for my birthday, get drunk, and lose weight. is that too much to ask?

no shit...

2006-07-20T17:03:00.001-07:00

i found this on one of those ridiculous quiz sites. of course, i took the quiz so i guess they're not so ridiculous after all...

You Are A Total Shopaholic!

You have a keen eye for spotting trends before they are hotAnd sometimes your credit rating takes a beating as a resultConsider a job in retail to subsidize your gorgeous outfitsOver time, you could become a famous stylist or designer!

Are You a Shopaholic?

i HATE being sick

2006-07-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

more accurately, i hate the feeling that i am going to get sick. you know the feeling -- sore throat, headached, feelings of general ickiness. i hate it because i can't workout which makes me depressed, which makes me eat bad food. last night i slothed about on the couch from 6 pm until 11 pm doing nothing but snack. i know i shouldn't be eating more since i am not excercising, but it's so damn depressing getting sick!! today i am out of the funk -- i got up and went for a 45 minute walk and i am going to try to half-ass an excercise class tonight just to get some movement in. i know i shouldn't workout when i'm sick (thanks mom), but i need to busy myself doing something other than eat! this weekend is my big birthday day party too...i was so ready to feel great and sexy and all worked out. well, i guess i might look all those things on saturday but i definitely won't be feeling them. sigh. in case you couldn't tell, i HATE being sick!

good bye small toddler...hello sexy!

2006-07-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

Today I weighed myself and the scale said 140.1. I got off the scale, and got back on. 140.1. I didn't realize until I got to work and updated my weight tracker that I have lost 50 pounds. 50 POUNDS! That's the size of one, if not two, toddlers. I've lost 50 pounds in four years and never gained a pound of it back. I'm pretty impressed with myself today, if I do say so. I can't even imagine weighing 50 pounds more...well, I guess I don't really have to imagine because I remember. The funny thing is, since it took me so long to lose the weight, no one really goes, "WOW, you've lost a ton of weight!" It's been a gradual, week by week by week process. My family doesn't even realize it...my mom was looking at a picture of me from 4 years ago and she said, "There's no way that's you!!" I said yes, mom it is...when I was 50 pounds heavier. I didn't say that part, I just said, "Oh, yeah that's me." I've always been shy about talking about my weight, even now. Except for on my blog that is :)

another beautiful day???

2006-07-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

it looks like my project at work is still on hold, so i am (knock on wood) planning on going for a run today at lunch. last time was SO fantastic...i hope I can have a great run again!

so this weekend was my birthday...23 years old. YIKES. it feels weird...i feel like i am still young, definitely still getting my life together...but then i have friends who are getting married within the next year. that really freaks me out. my boyfriend and i spent saturday together..it was a wonderful day. he took me wine tasting in napa and it was great. i don't know what to do about him...we have been dating for three years, but there are things about each other that are just not compatible. mainly, i tend to be blunt and kind of mean sometimes and he is REALLY sensitive about everything. soo that doesn't really go over so well. he is SO understanding of everyone on the earth's situation...which is great, but sometimes i want him to just be like "wow, that girl did that to you? that is so mean!" but he would never say that...he would want me to understand her perspectice, etc. sounds great, right? well, he would make a great dad and i'm sure a great husband...i just don't know if i can stand it!! anyway, so i don't know what to do...do i break up with him? do i keep dating him, and eventually get married knowing that part of my personality totally clashes with his? i have no idea. he loves me and wants to stay with me...that leaves the ball in my court. great.

on a totally separate note, i realized over the weekend while eating and wine tasting in napa that i love good food. pure and simple. i just love it. since it was my birthday, i didn't think about how many calories were in anything, i really just ate what i wanted when i wanted. there were so many different foods...sweet, savory, alcoholic ;P i think that's why i became overweight in the first place, and why i struggle with losing weight (well, more like maintaining my loss) now. i love trying new foods, i love different flavors, i love to cook, i love to bake...really, need i go on? as opposed to repressing this love (as i think i have been doing for a long time since moving into my own place and acquiring my own kitchen), i am going to try as much as i can to put more time into actually cooking and creating my own food, and less on worrying about keeping myself full. does that make any sense? instead of just jamming some pretzels into my mouth when i get home from work and counting that as my 200 calorie snack, i could make some tabouleh and save the leftovers for lunch the next day. same amount of calories, but higher quality of food. hmm...we'll see how this goes.

2006-07-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

I LOVE pictures, so I'd thought I'd post another favorite (as fun as the one of me dressed as a referee is). That's me in the middle with two of my best friends at the marina (a few blocks from my apartment) with the bridge in the background. Today is a San Francisco-loving day, so I thought I'd put up a nice one of the city. Well, north of the city really at that angle :o)

What a beautiful day :)

2006-07-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

Now, I may be biased because it's my birthday tomorrow, but it is such a beautiful day today! It started out just awfully, all foggy and nasty, but it has cleared and the sun in shining!

All of my coworkers were going out to lunch today with one of our principles for a "Lunch with Leadership." Now I know these kind of things are supposedly good for my career, to meet people, make contacts, etc. But I just can't bring myself to go out to eat when I don't want to. I think that it's a comprimise I'm willing to make. So I snuck out before they left and went for a run through SF. I thought I was in the clear on the way back from the gym after showering until I hear "Michelle!" behind me. There was one of my co-workers coming from lunch! "So," he says, "you skipped lunch to go workout?" I thought fast and said, "Oh well I had already commited to lunching with a friend (that is what I told them when I ducked out early), but we decided to go workout instead." PHEW. Dang, I am surprised at how well I lie just on the spot too. It just comes out, always has. Anyway, crisis avoided and I am sitting here, freshly worked out and feeling delish. My parents are taking me out to one of the best steakhouses in the city for dinner tonight since it's my bday, so I am keeping the calories today to a bare minimum. So far I've had a bowl of fiber cereal w/ a peach and a balance bar. And I'm not even hungry! Now to just keep my mind off food for 3 more hours....I want to be STARVING when I walk into that restaurant so that I have enough calories to have my filet, salad, and 1/2 piece of cake and not be stuffed when I am done eating! I am determined.

Yesterday when I was running I thought about this other girl Stephanie's blog...she is a runner and said when she quit haflway through a run the other day she was disappointed because she didn't want to write about it on her blog the next day. LOL. Well, I am going to write that yesterday my workout did not go well, but I definitely made up for it today. Next time I am on the treadmill and feeling tired (like yesterday) I will think of my blog :o)

Ok, back to work and wishing I was back outside!

Welcome to my blog!

2006-07-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

This is me:

I don't normally wear a referee top and walk around drinking. Well, unless it's Halloween. Welcome to my blog! I was inspired by a couple of girls on the 3FC website to start my own blog where I can type as much illogical, non thought-out crap I want and no one can stop me (muahahahaha <-- evil laugh) I am 23 years old (after Saturday, my birthday!) and I live in the sometimes wonderful, sometimes crappy San Francisco, California. I am dating this guy who sometimes I love and sometimes I can't stand. Kind of like San Francisco. We've been dating for almost three years, I'm not ready to get married, and I don't know what to do about our situation. More on that later. I graduated from Stanford University last year...it was the best time of my life. I think, for the most part, I appreaciated that fact and took advantage of all the wonderful things there. I now work as a consultant for a company that specializes in consumer products and retail. I want to be traveling, going to different clients, and helping them do product development and merchandise planning. I did that for a few months, but have mostly been working on due diligence projects for private equity groups. Don't worry if you don't know what that means. It's very challenging and I like it, except for when I have to work until 1 am, when I am asked to do things that are out of my league (or so I think until I do them), and when I can hear the partners talking about me in their offices. I hate that. A lot of times I feel like a fish out of water. More on that later. I have a great roomate who is super nice. We don't hang out that much except for at the apartment, but when we do it's pretty fun. I have good friends, but I don't see them a lot because they are in various locations across the country. That makes it really hard on a day to day basis, but whenever I find myself with some free time I try to get together with everyone I know here. I need to work on meeting more people, but with a boyfriend there isn't really that insentive to get out and meet people when I can just hang out with him. A huge huge huge part of my life is devoted to working out and eating right. I used to weigh (brace myself) 190 pounds (I'm 5'7") Over the past 4 years I have lost 45 pounds. I know I'm a size 6, but I still reach for the bottom of the pile when I try to find my size in jeans. I don't think I will ever see myself as I truly am. I used to be crazy happy with my body, yes, when I was a size 14. Then a boy that's a friend of mine told me that he wouldn't mind dating me because, "he likes his girls fat." Complimentary, I guess, but a wakeup call. Since then I have become so much more healthy, but my self-image has definitely decreased. Interesting that weight and self-image are inversely related for me. There are definitely days, however, when I wake up and I'm like, damn I'm hot. That makes me happy. People who have never been fat and lost weight will never, and I mean never understand. I can probably tell you the number of calories in every thing that you had to eat today. I keep a running tally in my head of how many calories I've eaten in one day. When I stop to think about it, it's scary. But necessary. I would rather live like I do then how I used to. I have memories of sitting at my desk freshman year of college feeling sick to my stomach after eating a pack of oreos and drinking a coke. Hm, that's probably 680 calories. See I told you, it's a habit. I still want to lose 16 more pounds, but officially my goal is to lose 6 more pounds. We'll see if I ever get there. My life is devoted to (other than work, eating right, and exercising (those three take up most of my time)) trying to find happiness in my life as a friend, girlfriend, daughter, and most importantly...as ME. Watchout, here comes my blog!